It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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