I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
