Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
