also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
