My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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