i jhust puked up my retainher.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
