Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
