Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
two words: eviction party
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My ass is underappreciated
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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