I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize