how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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