I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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