im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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