tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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