I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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