im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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