This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
