I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
