Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
