I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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