I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
