I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
