Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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