I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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