I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize