every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
