Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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