I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I want to be your penis for a week.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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