my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
