Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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