im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
