My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
