If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
