I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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