I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize