Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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