I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
