Don't make out with my wife yet
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize