Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
