Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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