from now on my penis is your penis
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
