who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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