She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
