She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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