i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
