my mouth tastes like poor choices
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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