his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
