They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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