so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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