i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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