just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
