i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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