So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
