She's JV to your varsity
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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