Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize